I lost both my parents in the course of the last 9 weeks . As an only child I’ve often felt alone and somewhat isolated, but with the loss of both my parents, I feel that loneliness and isolation in a most keen way. Like an encroaching seedling has been planted inside me and left to take over every available space in my heart, mind and soul filling me with sadness, despair and an aching that seems like it will never ever fade. This seedling has illusive roots that can’t be completely found or eradicated.
This loss and level of aloneness has left me feeling completely unanchored. That piece of me, the touchstone of my entire life, is gone. And there is nothing else in my life that has that kind of strength, that kind of history. It often feels like a stiff wind will just pick me up and deposit me where “it” wants to rather than where I want to go. Let’s face it, just figuring out where I want to go is an overwhelming chore at this point. Making any kind of real decision is just not going to happen right now.
Friends and family are saying loving, heartfelt things to me. They mean well, and some actually mean what they are saying. But right now, I don’t want to hear how “God” will take care of me. Or how “Jesus” will see me through. True as that may be, I’m not on friendly terms with either aspect of deity. They have kicked me in the most vulnerable place possible and I don’t like them very much right now and am not really willing to chat with them. Seriously. WHAT were they thinking?
Being single and without children also adds a layer of “alone” to it. You might say, “Well, that’s a choice you made.” Really, it’s not. It just happened that way. And it adds to the depth of rootlessness that I feel now. There is no “soft place” to land that consists of someone else who is there for me in the way that a husband or boyfriend is.
The thing that keeps me moving forward is that pinprick of light that is my own solidarity. That piece of me buried deep beneath all the other whispering , “You will get through this. Though ‘normal’ will never been the same, happiness will eventually be found again. And you will find your way back to a place that feels anchored and secure.”
I’m sharing this very personal piece of my life because we all have that pinprick of light no matter what has happened. Looking for it, and being willing to follow it in order to find strength, love and acceptance within ourselves is what Me First, By Myself is all about. It doesn’t mean we’re always going to have it in our sights. It will occasionally get obscured by what happens in our lives. But it’s always there.
Me First, by Myself
Me First, by Myself 